In honor of national suicide prevention day, I've decided to share some tips and tricks to not ending it all. After several failed attempts (oh my god I can't even kill myself correctly, I should just kill myself) I've found these methods to be tried and true.
The time that you're most likely to be able to ignore the voice in your head that tells you to go eat a chainsaw is right after you've nutted. Having an orgasm releases oxytocin in your brain, a chemical that simulates intimacy. This is great because it gives you a short vacation from the harsh reality that we all die alone. In addition, you can take a moment while you towel your junk off to reflect on all the beauty that life has to offer.
Now some of you may say "But Jeremy, Jesus doesn't want me to touch my private areas" and to this I respond, "Maybe, but he also doesn't want you to paint the walls of your local Arby's with your grey matter, so rub one out and go ask forgiveness from the man in the wooden box later."
Hot showers release dopamine. Dopamine makes you feel good. People don't tend to atomize themselves with civil war cannons when they feel good. Also, you can masturbate in the shower. I call that the two-fer.
Make a list of everyone you deserve to outlive
This helps put things in perspective. Why should you pay the toll at the river styx while there's so many dildos walking around fucking things up for everybody else? Here's a brief list of my own.
1. The Koch (pronounced cock) brothers. No fucking way am I going to share a small studio apartment six feet under with a bunch of worms while these guys get to run around buying elections and destroy this country. Merica!!!
2. That guy who told everyone he was going to ruin my comedy career because I outed him as a woman beater. Fuck that. If this dude can not eat a bullet, I can not eat a bullet better.
3. The one dude who cut me off in traffic after speeding down the right turn lane to avoid all the traffic in my lane. I may not have to wait long for this one. With the amount of gun violence in America, I'm sure someone will handle this guy.
4. Florida. All of Florida. Texas, too. But not Austin. Austin cool.
5. Anyone that ever throws shade at my life partner. BACK OFF FUCKERS!!!
People get prescribed drugs all the time for problems they don't really have but if you're thinking about dropping a piano on your own head Looney Toons style, you are the person that probably needs anti-depressants.
You know what makes you stop thinking about killing yourself? Making sure your kids don't. Not that kids are consciously trying to kill themselves, but for some reason their idea of fun is climbing out windows or playing in traffic. You don't have time to end your own life if you're constantly trying to save someone else's. Plus your kids love you, so even if you don't love you, at least someone does.
Talk to someone
You're not alone. Even if you live in Alaska or some fucked up nowhere like Florida, there's a phone somewhere. Use it.
"The only way around your problems is straight through them. Nothing is unbeatable, nothing is undoable, nothing is impossible." - Fifteen, Lucky.