8 Things I Yell During Orgasm

1. Excelsior!

stan lee

In latin this term means "still higher" and is about achieving greatness. But I find more resonance with the American definition, "soft wood used for packing fragile goods." Because I want to use my soft wood. To pack your fragile goods.

2. HULK SMASH!!!

hulk smash

Because you did something to my mild mannered Bruce Banner to turn him into a raging vascular hulk. Not that I think your genitalia is some inferior puny man that Hulk can smash. I prefer to think of your junk as The Thing from the Fantastic Four, and my Junk gets all like "HULK SMASH" and your junk gets all like "IT'S CLOBBERIN TIME" and then we use each others junk to destroy each others junk on the field of combat. Don't get me horny. You won't like me when I'm horny.

3. PRAISE BE TO THE PROPHET MOHAMMED!

prophet muhammed

I'm not muslim, but the jerks who live above me are, and it sounds like they are hosting a thirteen hour jumping jack class daily. I'm just trying to give back to the community.

4. FREE YOGURT 

hot yogurt

This is pretty self explanatory. Here take this yogurt. It's free. Let's feed the world. Just regular yogurt, not froyo. Unless you're a frigid asshole like my ex. Screw you Laurie. 

5. Onward to Valhalla! 

thor

Because we met when I was dressed like Thor, and I told you to Valhalla back, and you did, so now we're back at my place drinking each other's mead. 

6. MORTAL KOMBAT! 

finish him

I fought valiantly, but in the end, you finished me. Next time give me a heads up if you're gonna use the blood code. 

7.  DAMMIT STEVE! 

I've only really said this once, when I woke up mid orgasm to find my roommate Steve having a party in my pajamas that he wasn't invited to. I wasn't mad until he tried to cuddle. Wuss.

8. YOUR UBER IS ARRIVING!!!!

uber sucks

I called an Uber while we were still doing foreplay. With an estimated wait time of 5 minutes, I knew we would already be done. Not that I don't want you to stay, its just that my mom's gonna be home soon. I mean, she wouldn't really care that you're here, but she's making wings tonight and I don't think there's enough for another person.